trust

Something I dont have much of even though I like to pretend I do. The reality is my mother died when I was 13 (breast cancer) and even now at 60 my stomach turns in on itself just thinking about it. What happened after that? I have a huge character defect. I see abandonment in everything. I mean everything. Before I got sober I drank and ran if I thought there was even the remotest chance that a boyfriend would dump me, that my boss did not like the job I was doing, you name it....if I thought it I ran, took a new husband, a new job, a new best friend, a new whole career. I always wanted to be one step ahead and I guess I was just determined that no one would ever leave me again. I would leave first. Now I am sober (3 and a half years) and I am seeing this and ugh! feeling this and trying to understand and act like a sober woman of grace and dignity. I have a jobette. Working part time in a law firm (something I know almost nothing about...I was a tv news reporter for 25 years) and my boss made a comment yesterday after one month of my being there something (probably minor) about this wasnt working. How in the world would he go away on the 20th if he had to answer all the calls? I am thinking he meant that I wasnt handling enough. But I don't know the cases and who the people are and I am not a lawyer or even a paralegal. So how could he possibly expect me to know what to do without him? Anyway I have been trying to solve this in my own head. Should I go back to real estate? What should I do for extra money? And have been mildly panicked. And then of course writing this I got a few thoughts: First I need to give it to God. Just say you take it. Take it out of my head. I cant be of service to anyone let alone myself if I am obbsessing over a jobette and whether or not he likes me and whether I may get fired. The reality is today I am working there. Today I am doing a lot better than when I first started the job and gaining experience every day. I am just me. And it is likely a good situation for both of us. My boss gets a sober, experienced grown up who can handle things well once I learn them. And I am dependable and I show up ready and willing to work. And organized. I have a lot to offer and he pays me very little money. On my side the very little money gives me extra spending money. I can go into the city and get my hair highlighted for one. And it is just 4 afternoons a week. So I get three full days off and every morning off. And the main thing is just not to run. I have to trust that I am where I am supposed to be. That I at least did not run back to real estate (I just thought about it briefly) and I am writing about it and the huge thing. I didn't drink over it. I go to a 6th and 7th step meeting on Tuesday nights and I shared about my not trusting and the whole abandonment thing and another woman shared that she has the same thing. That her father was killed when she was 6. There are so many times I hear about this in the rooms. Of course I drank because I am an alcoholic. But the underlying problem, the thing that caused that huge hole to begin with was the death of my mother when I was a girl. And slowly little by little I am healing from it and learning to trust. #