attention getting devices...

When I was a little kid my wonderful mother got very sick (breast cancer) and she died when I was 13 and my sister was 11. Dad and my sister and I died right along with her. It was horrible. I still feel that empty hopeless sadness. But at least my father adored me. He hated my little sister. Just hated her. So for Lynnie mom's death was probably triple horrendous. And after mom died there was just no one who paid attention to her. So she used to sit in the library on the couch with a scissors or a paper clip of just her finger nails and she used to gouge the couch pulling out the feathers and sometimes even the fabric of the white couch. When dad would come home from work and see her handiwork he used to yell at her and tell her that was an attention getting device. And he was very likely very correct in his diagnosis. He just didn't do the next right thing and do what he needed to do: give her some attention. and compassion. Some help. I mean imagine screaming at a little kid for being scared and sick. And needing you. I mean sure it wasnt cool to see his couch all torn up but it was a cry for help. So my recovery reminds me of this. All too often when my son say is to mean to me I start getting mad at him. And thinking I should distance myself from him so that I don't get attacked. But what I am learning is that even though it hurts to see him pluck out my heart feathers by being mean to me I need to look beyond the flying feathers of my ego and realize that he is hurting and that he needs my help or at least my compassion. I don't want to compound his sadness, his fear, his problems by hating him or at least not talking to him. I need to not only take care of myself but to go beyond my self. To pray for him. To send him love and understanding and quietly realize that if I am mean back I am only prolonging his agony and making it worse. If I write him a letter chastising him for being mean to me (as I at first thought of doing--yikes!) I am sending him the wrong kind of attention.